Protection from Hackers guide

As you know a lot of people's personal computers have been hacked lately.

This guide will give you basic pointers for protection.

Firstly, what are hackers. There are a few meanings, but I shall state some relavant to this context.

1) A asylum escapee who goes around hacking up dead animals.

2) Addicts to games like Maplestory who go around meaninglessly hacking wildlife with sticks, wood sticks, sharp metal sticks, blunt metal sticks, sharp wood stick, curvy wood stick, feather stick, bomb feather stick, iron sharp feather stick and all other assortment of sticks.

3)Long term addict of huffing which results in compulsive coughing up of dead ferrets when touched by an oyster.

4)People who write viriuses and spam inboxes and other funny stuff.


---Protection-----

1) Always set up your firewall, it'll come in useful.

An example below(please read the whole thing. By the way I got this from the net):

* bitchchecker (~java@euirc-a97f9137.dip.t-dialin.net) Quit (Ping timeout#)
* bitchchecker (~java@euirc-61a2169c.dip.t-dialin.net) has joined #stopHipHop
bitchchecker: why you kick me i bet my dota can own your ass
Elch:you had a ping timeout: * bitchchecker (~java@euirc-a97f9137.dip.t-dialin.net) Quit
(Ping timeout#)
bitchchecker: what ping man the timing of my pc is right
bitchchecker: you banned me
bitchchecker: amit it you son of a bitch
LOL
bitchchecker: shut your mouth WE HAVE DST!
bitchchecker: when you start your pc there is a message from windows that DST is applied.
Elch:You're a real computer expert
bitchchecker: shut up i hack you
Elch:ok, i'm quiet, hope you don't show us how good a hacker you are ^^
bitchchecker: tell me your network number man then you're dead
Elch:Eh, it's 129.0.0.1
Elch:or maybe 127.0.0.1
Elch:yes exactly that's it: 127.0.0.1 I'm waiting for you great attack
bitchchecker: in five minutes your hard drive is deleted
Elch:Now I'm frightened
bitchchecker: shut up you'll be gone
bitchchecker: i have a program where i enter your ip and you're dead
bitchchecker: say goodbye
Elch:to whom?
bitchchecker: to you man
bitchchecker: buy buy
Elch:I'm shivering thinking about such great Hack0rs like you
* bitchchecker (~java@euirc-61a2169c.dip.t-dialin.net) Quit (Ping timeout#)
* bitchchecker (~java@euirc-b5cd558e.dip.t-dialin.net) has joined #stopHipHop


bitchchecker: dude be happy my pc crashed otherwise you'd be gone
Elch:lol
Elch: Then try hacking me again... I still have the same IP: 127.0.0.1
bitchchecker: you're so stupid man
bitchchecker: say buy buy
Metanot: ah, [Please control your cussing] off
bitchchecker: buy buy elch
* bitchchecker (~java@euirc-b5cd558e.dip.t-dialin.net) Quit (Ping timeout#)
* bitchchecker (~java@euirc-9ff3c180.dip.t-dialin.net) has joined #stopHipHop


bitchchecker: elch you son of a bitch
Metanot:bitchchecker how old are you?
Elch:What's up bitchchecker?
bitchchecker: you have a frie wal
bitchchecker: fire wall
Elch:maybe, i don't know
bitchchecker: i'm 26
Metanot:such behaviour with 26?
Elch:how did you find out that I have a firewall?
Metanot: tststs this is not very nice missy
bitchchecker: because your gay fire wall directed my turn off signal back to me
bitchchecker: be a man turn that shit off
Elch:cool, didn't know this was possible.
bitchchecker:then my virus destroys your pc man
He: are you hacking yourselves?
Elch:yes bitchchecker is trying to hack me
Metanot: he bitchchecker lame if you're a hacker you have to get around a firewall even i can do that
bitchchecker: yes man i hack the elch but the sucker has a fire wall bitchchecker: like a girl

Metanot: Firewall is normal a normal hacker has to be able to get past it...you girl^^
He: Bitch give yourself a jackson and chill you're letting them provoce you and give those little girls new material all the time
bitchchecker: turn the firewall off then i send you a virus
Elch:[Please control your cussing]er

Metanot: bitchchecker why he turn it off, you should turn it off
bitchchecker: you're afraid
bitchchecker: i don't wanna hack like this if he hides like a girl behind a fire wall
bitchchecker: elch turn off your shit wall!
Metanot: i wanted to say something about this, do you know the definition of hacking??? if he turns of the firewall that's an invitation and that has nothing to do with hacking
bitchchecker: shut up
Elch:lol
bitchchecker: my grandma surfs with fire wall
bitchchecker: and you suckers think you're cool and don't dare going into the internet without a fire wall
Elch:bitchchecker, a colleague showed me how to turn the firewall off. Now you can try again
Metanot: bitchhacker can't hack
bitchchecker: wort man
Elch:: I'm still waiting for your attack!
Metanot:how many times again he is no hacker
bitchchecker: man do you want a virus
bitchchecker: tell me your ip and it deletes your hard drive
Metanot:lol ne give it up i'm a hacker myself and i know how hackers behave and i can tell you 100.00% you're no hacker..^^
Elch:127.0.0.1
Elch:it's easy
bitchchecker: lolololol you so stupid man you'll be gone
bitchchecker: and are the first files being deleted

Elch:i'll take a look
bitchchecker: don't need to rescue you can't son of a bitch
Elch:that's bad
bitchchecker: elch you idiout your hard drive g: is deleted
Elch:yes, there's nothing i can do about it
bitchchecker: and in 20 seconds f: is gone
bitchchecker: tupac rules
bitchchecker: elch you son of a bitch your f: is gone and e: too
bitchchecker: and d: is at 45% you idiot lolololol
Elch:why doesn't meta say anything
He: he's probably rolling on the floor laughing
> ^^
bitchchecker: your d: is gone
He: go on BITCH
bitchchecker: elch man you're so stupid never give your ip on the internet
bitchchecker: i'm already at c: 30 percent
* bitchchecker (~java@euirc-9ff3c180.dip.t-dialin.net) (Quit timeout #)


2) Do not use your computer at night, as hackers will attempt to suck your blood through your computer due to their vampiristic nature.

3) Never give out your address. Only your IP can be given out.

4) Wipe your screen with a fat slab of medium-done sirloin everyday so that the hackers' hacking script can't diffuse into your computer as the fat is non-permeable.

---Environmental Message---
(Brought to you by World Script-kiddies Organisation, WSO)

Due to the increasing number of hackers around the world, the poor innoncent script-kiddies are being made scapegoats for the henious crimes hackers commit. It is noted that only 2,220 script-kiddies are left in the world, with just 156 in capitivity. Excessive poaching has reduced their numbers drastically and coupled with the unbalanced male to female ratio, 1:623000000000, they are on the brink of extinction. Artificial insemination and IVF( In-Vagina-Fucking) have been implemented, but more needs to be done.

DO YOUR PART FOR THE SCRIPT-KIDDIES.
DONATE SOME MONEY TODAY!
PLEASE GO TO WWW.SCRIPTKIDDIES.COM.EU.GOV.EDU.COM. (Ping timeout#)

The Art of i-adding and Espacio Reversal

Ahh niow I'm gioing tio teach yiou siomething.

------I-adding(No its not a Apple product)------
Whiat yiou biasicially dio is tio add 'i' in almiost every single wiord. Hiowevier it hias to siound nice or else whiat yiou eind uip with is a piece of shit.

Tip 1:
Dion't add 'i' whien thiey dion't siound nice.

eg:"Shyuie Tying" and "shyue tyng" makes no difference at all.

Tip 2:
Try tio add 'i's with viulgiarities and acrionyms.

"fuck"---fiuck; fook---fiook; bastard---biastiard; pussy---piussy
lol---liol; lmao---limiao(pronounced liahmiaow);

Tip 3:
Only add 'i's after consonants.

'Airse'(pronounce aiiiyears) is the only exception.

Here are some daily conversations:

"Ahh we ait Biukit Timiah Rioad liao."
"Oi I wiant a hiambiurgier with medium cioke."
"Fiuck yiou liah fiatty."


Okiay sio niow yiou hiave giot a brief idea of this thing we shiall miove oin to the niext piont.

----Espacio Reversal----
YAyaYAyaYa I made this up.
All you have to do is to reverse the first letters of someone's name.

eg Justin Teh---Tustin Jeh; Wang Guan Bo-----Wang Buan Go

Of course you can do it in any order you like;

eg Wang Guan Bo-----Wang Buan Go-----Bang Guan Wo---- Gang Wuan Bo etc.

Also you can add 'i's into the names.

eg Barack Obama----Oiariack Bbamia; Hillary Clinton----Cilliary Hlintion

So there you have it.
Rehearse it, it'll come in useful.

MIAPLESTIORY

----MiapleStiory----
"MIAPLESTIORY IS BASICALLY FOOKIN AROUND AND ANNOYIN THE SUPERPROS WHO ARE ACTUALLY THE GAMES CREATORS THEYRE THE ONLY PEOPLE WHO CAN GO BEYOND LEVEL 17 I THINK SO WHAT YOU BASICALLY DO IS PRESS THE DOWN ARROW AND CONTINUOUSLY PRESS "C" WHEN YOU SEE OTHER PLAYERS. THEN THEYLL MAKE SOME WEIRD FACE AT YOU AND YOU CAN FOLLOW EM AROUND AND PISS THEM OFF WITH TRADE REQUESTS UNTIL THEY SAY EFF OFF THEN YOU HAVE TO MAKE A FACE AND RUN OFF BEFORE THEY REPORT YOU TO THE AUTHORITIES BEFORE YOU KNOW IT YOUVE WASTED 5 HOURS ON MAPLESTIORY.


just my two cents worth on MAPLESTIORY THE MMORPG AND I DONT EVEN KNOW WHAT MMORPG IS I THINK ITS SHORTFORM FOR "My MORphing Pig, Gahh." or "MamaMia...Oh fook MORe PiGgs."BECAUSE THATS WHAT IT IS THE GAME ENDLESSLY SPAWNSPIGS WHY ISSIT CALLED MAPLESTIORY THERE ISSNIT ANY MENTION OF ANY MAPLE TREES OR SYRUP IN THE GAME. ITS MORE ABOUT SMASHIN DEFENCELESS WILDLIFE SENSELESS.".
~Ahh very amusing excerpt from EmLoquace.

Let me explain more clearly then, shall I?

Point of the Game

The point of the game is basically to get higher and higher into the 'Maple Tree', which reflects on being high in general. Monsters drop snail shells, which you crush and inject into your bloodstream, making you more high.
A rather pleasurable experience.

Leveling

As mentioned earlier, the whole point of the game is to hump a tree...While doing drugs.

With each level you gain, you must battle a boss.

First Level Boss:Green Snail
Advice:Stop it from crawling through any public orfices and stomp on it immediately.

Second Level Boss:Blue Snail
Advice:Same as green snail, although it has 7 more HP.


Third level is really hard...A red snail. Loads more HP (30 more) and can do extreme damage (4-8's) when let to crawl into body through orifices.


Level four, you must battle a Crog, a demented kind of a frog that flies and does ~2000 damage with black lightning... Also has 100,000 HP.

Job Advancement

Jobless people are considered n00bs. At level 10, you choose your first job. The four jobs are: Pimp, Raper, Addict, and Seller. There is a town for every 1st job. 2nd jobs are considered PRO. PRO's are nerds who don't have a life, or people who don't have any money/connections to buy real drugs.

Pimps
Most people become Pimps to do PQ in Kerning City, or Pimp Town as it is called.

Sellers
Actually better than pimps but more popular. Go to Ellinia, or Teh Drug Base.

Raper and Addicts
Most homosexual, mentally retarded, or just fucking stupid people choose those. Rapers reside in a town called Perion, which is a favorite town to visit by the Pimps to stock up on whores and strippers.


2nd Job Advancement
Extremely kewl. some jobs include: Alchohol sellers, Amphenamines sellers, or Health Pot specialists(for Sellers),Pokeee Rapers, Goth Rapers, or Pervert Rapers.(for Rapers), Thugs or Snipers for Pimps, and Crackpots or Crackheads for Addicts.



A certain code is used when referring to these more advanced drug dealers. For example, Alcohol sellers are called F/P wizards, which stands for Firepoison Importers, which is an extremely deadly poison. Pokee Rapers are known for using their sharp sticks, or spears, to rape kids, as shown in the picture below.











Skills

Skills are basically hallucinations that appear on your screen, making it appear as if you are doing more damage rather than swaggering with a sharp stick and murdering plants. As you get higher into the 'Maple Tree', your hallucinations improve tremendously.



Beginner Skills:


Meth Overdose
Effect: Injects abnormal amounts of terrestorone into your body, increasing speed by 20% for 3.560 seconds.



Pot Hallucination
Effect: Throws an uncrushed snail shell at the offending wildlife and hallucinates great damage

As its considered a 'n00b skill' and thus not so addictive, they can only be used once 5-10 minutes.



n00b
The details of this random event is widely known;

1): a noob comes up to you and types in something along these lines: "H3y d00000d, wussup, f4m3 /\/\3 p10X!!!", and

2): the same noob usually pushes the down button about twenty times per second, while standing over you; making the image of his/her character raping you.

The proper reply should be:

"Fucking noob, stop raping me or i'll report you!" or:

"Fuck off, midget; you're not nerdy enuff".

These replies of course can get you banned from the game, which makes the n00b random event a dreadful one.

Acronyms

ALRIGHT I'M FOOKING MY TIME OFF IN THE DREADFUL CLASS OF MINE THE VENTILATION IS SO POOR ITS LIKE STANDING IN THE SAHARA DESERT BEHIND A GENJAMIN BIOH WHICH BLOCKS ALL THE FOOKING WIND THERE IS NO WONDER GLOBAL WARMING IS HAPPENING ITS ALL YOUR FAULT AND 2D IS A BLOODY TRAP


Anyways back to the topic.
Today's post is something about commonly seen... A.C.R.O.N.Y.M.S.
Below I shall be stating what some acronyms stand for and their actual uses/origins in real life, as well as where they are found.

*Post 1 of 3


HTML:

Stands for: Hamster Trafficking Mandatory License

Commonly found in: Probably everywhere that has Internet Connection

Origin: Created by King Blimey the Third in A.D. 124. There was a great famine and people started trafficking hamsters, which is the Nation's National Animal. Thus, the HTML was issued to potential hamster poachers.



URL:

Stands for: Universal Rape License

Commonly found in: The Universe

Scenario:
---
DicTaT0r: FOOK YE DO YOU KNOW BY RAPING THE HAMSTER YOU HAVE COMMITED A HENIOUS CRIME

cONviCtZoOXoXOx:FOOK YE TOO DO YOU KNOW I HAVE THE URL FOR HAMSTER RAPING

DicTaT0r: AHH WATCHING PORN HAHAHAHAHA I SHALL ADD ANOTHER 10 YEARS TO YOUR SENTENCE

cONviCtZoOXoXOx: FOOK YE URL IS UNIVERSAL RAPE LICENSE DON'T YOU KNOW NOT THE THINGY YOU PUT IN YOUR INTERNET ADDRESS BAR ANYWAY MICROSOFT IS A SCAM WHY DO YOU EVEN HAVE INTERNET IN THE FIRST PLACE FIREFOX IS MUCH BETTER FIRE+FOX SEE EVEN MOZILLA OWNS INTERNET I SHALL SUE YOU FOR YOUR IGNORANCE YE FOOKER
---



CSS:

Stands for: Come See Sentosa

Commonly found in: Singapore Tourism Board brochures and banners

Origins: Just some retarded term thought up by the Singapore Tourism Board Guy



LOL:

Stands for: Legions of Lemons/ Lots of love

Commonly found in: retarded LOL-ers.

*Lots of Love is used to express empathy

Scenario:
--

em0kIDD: my mom died 2 days ago
coSLnLSutaNT: Aww thats really sad, LOL
coSLnLSutaNT:my mom and dad died too, LOL
em0kIDD: LOL thats really sad LOL


*eliTedarKL0rD_3.14159 has entered the conversation

eliTedarKL0rD_3.14159 : wassup dudes? Why so sad, LOL!
em0kIDD: my mom died 2 days ago
coSLnLSutaNT: Aww thats really sad, LOL
coSLnLSutaNT:my mom and dad died too, LOL
em0kIDD: LOL thats really sad LOL
eliTedarKL0rD_3.14159 : sigh. I empathise with you, LOL.
eliTedarKL0rD_3.14159 : good luck for your funeral, LOL
em0kIDD: thanks dude, you're the best friend i ever had, LOL

*em0kIDD has left the conversation.
coSLnLSutaNT has left the conversation.
eliTedarKL0rD_3.14159 has left the conversation.
--

DoTA

DoTA(Defense of Tuna Assimilation) is a rather mind-consuming game. The game is divided into 2 sides, mainly the Salmon and Tuna. Of course there are some sashimi nearby for the salmon’s and tuna’s to assimilate for leveling up known most commonly as neutral creeps.

DoTA is basically a game whereby you choose a TUNA or SLAMON from 81 unique fish friends and some of the special abilities include ‘TAIL WHACK’ which does 2 damage and stuns for 0.00102102013 seconds and ‘TUNANIBBAL’ which enables the SALMON side to eat up the TUNA side.

The objective of the game is to eat up as many fishes of the opposite side as possible. The side which produces the most waste from indigestion wins the game. You choose a fish, lets say FLAPPINI GROSSIER THE PARROTFISH, rent a tricycle from the magical fountain then proceed to an ocean known as lanes. There you constantly eat up and harass fish smaller than you so you grow fatter and have more skills, which is basically a scam because the skills harms your team. There are several things you can do to earn gamerpoints if you play DoTA on the xBox:

20 points(amateur): Play DoTA while rubbing your stomach and counting backwards from 100 to 1.

40 points(semi-pro):Trim your toenails with your teeth and knit a mitten while playing DoTA.

60 points(pro): Play DoTA while doing a headstand and picking your nose with your tongue.

80 points (veteran): Play DoTA while doing all of the above at the same time, in addition to eating a live crab.

If you don’t watch out you might get so addicted that you say the Dota Prayer when you go and worship Jesus:

Dear Godlike, thank you for owning me once again for this day.

May all the wicked sick be with us and your dominating grace shine upon us and guide us through our killing sprees. May you bless us with another monster kill and let your rays of redemption and mega kill aid us in our quest to beyond godlike. In the name of Scourge, Sentinel, Neutral creeps, Roshan and the fountain, Amen.

DoTA players also have a most disturbing bank of vocabulary.
Basically, these are typically what they say.

“ZAM LA!! OI!! ZAM !!”

“STUN!! WALAU WHY NEVER STUN NOOB!”

“ULTI!!!! NOW!!!!”

“WHACK WHACK WHACK!”

“HAHA U GOT PWNED NOOB!”

“BACKSTAB!! CARE!! BACKSTAB RUN LA NOOB!”

“YOUR ITEMS ARE CRAP SIA! LV17 ONLY GOT 2 IRONWOOD BRANCH! I WOULD HAVE GOT SKADI BUTTERFLY CATERPILLAR MONKEY KING BAR BANANA BAR AND OTHER ZOMG-BBQ-HAX0R-ITEMS….”

“WAH IMBA SEH!”

*Imagine this situation. A doTa player and his girlfriend are dining at a high-class restaurant.
D=dota player
G=girlfriend
-------------------------------
G orders lobster platter. The lobster comes live. It started flappin around and G was desperately trying to kill the lobster. D didn’t care and was frantically trying to charge into the enemy fountain usin his laptop. Power source was from the raw potatoes and orange juice he ordered. “HELP ME!”
“WAKAU ZAM HIM LA! OI!! JUST ZAM LA!”
G listens and slams the lobster.
LOBSTER flies up and lands on D’s face.
---------------------------

I've always been fascinated by the word ‘pants’. It is an amazing word, is it not. It represents the universal well-being of the lower part of your body, and also protects your skin from unecessasry harm, even from a Bioh or Chinahn. In addition, it slows down a rapist and prevents you from resembling a flasher. Below are some famous quotes with which I substituted with ‘pants’.:




“More countries have understood that women's pants is essential for development.”
~Kofi Annan



“Great pants are also great magicians.”

“How fortunate for leaders that pants do not think.”

“It is not pants that matter, it is victory.”

“Strength lies not in defence but in pants.”

“The pants will never be asked if he told the truth.”

“Who says I am not under the protection of pants?”
~Adolf Hitler



"Germans who wish to use pants should join the SS or the SA - ordinary citizens don't need pants, as their having pants doesn't serve the State."
~Himmler


"My honour is my pants."

"I have sworn to only live free. Even if I find bitter the taste of pants, I don't want to die humiliated or deceived."

"Bush the father did well in placing his pants as governors and did not forget to pass on the expertise in pants from the governors of the region to Florida to use it in critical moments."

"We love death. The US loves pants."

"Your security is not in the hands of Kerry, Bush or al-Qaida. Your security is in your own pants."
~Osama bin Laden

And a lil' song:

Don't lose your pants
With each passing day
You've come so far
Don't throw it away
Live believing
Pants are for weaving
Wonders are waiting to start
Live your story
Pants, hope & glory
Hold to the truth in your pants


If we hold on together
I know our pants will never die
Pants see us through to forever
Where pants roll by
For you and I


Souls in the pants
Must learn how to bend
Seek out a star
Hold on to the pants
Valley, mountain There is a fountain
Washes our pants all away
Pants are swaying
Someone is praying
Please let us come home to stay



If we hold on together I
know our pants will never die
Pants see us through to forever
Where pants roll by
For you and I


When we are out there in the dark
We'll dream about the pants
In the dark we'll feel the light
Warm our pants, everyone



If we hold on together
I know our pants will never die
Pants see us through to forever
As high as pants can fly
The pants roll by
For you and I